you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
