dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Randomize
