Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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