Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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