dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
