I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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