after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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