Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
