Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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