nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
