Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
