we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
