Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
