mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
