after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
