I accidentally had phone sex last night
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
