as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
