why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
