right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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