So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
