I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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