Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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