You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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