Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
