Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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