theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
