So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
