All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
