So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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