Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
