I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
