Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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