You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
