you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
