Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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