I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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