I just pynch a tree in the face
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
