Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
