I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
