If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
