Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
