GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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