Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
