The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
