An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
