She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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