When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
