; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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