I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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