Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
