He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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