why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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