dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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